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When I got into high school, I was expecting our
relationship to change, but it really didn’t. At least not at first.
I had friends, but not many, and I definitely wasn’t really in the
“cool group”. The cool group consisted of athletes, and I wasn’t one. I
was a dancer. So Em remained my #1. We would shop together, look at
magazines until 3 in the morning on school nights, and drive the car
around the back yard for practiceJ She was my other half. But a year or so into high school I started to
change. I was always getting into trouble with boys and my parents and
I were always fighting. I was a brat, and started to set bad examples
for my sister. That’s about the time that we switched roles. I was no
longer her leader, she was mine.
For the next two years of my life, she took care of me. Sometimes if I got home late, she’d cover for me and make sure I didn’t
get in trouble, but most of the time she didn’t. When I was about to do
something I shouldn’t, she’d always say “You better not. I swear to God
I will go tell Mom and Dad. You think I'm kidding? Try me. Walk out
that door, and I'm running to tell.” I would get so mad at her, we’d
fight all the time about that…her being the “tattletale”. But looking
back on those times now, I know that if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be
here right now. I am who I am today because my sister protected me.
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As the next few years went by, I grew up a lot. I made many
more friends in school, went to the social events, started to date my
current boyfriend, and began to set a good example for Em again. I
didn’t want her to have to be my leader anymore, and I wanted to be her
big sister again. She was a volleyball stud, and I was her #1 fan. I
went to as many tournaments as I could even if I was sick of it. We
cried together when she lost, and cheered and hug when she won. We
looked for homecoming dresses together, and did each other’s hair.
She helped me with my homework (she was always smarter than me) and we
danced in dance recitals together. We were back to the way it used to
be…everywhere I went, she went there too, and vise versa.
Then I went off to college. This was probably the hardest
transition of my life. I knew I’d miss my mom and dad, but not as much
as I would miss my Em. When she had to leave my dorm room we hugged and
cried. I missed her so much when I was away, I called her every day and
we were closer than ever.
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I was not even 2 years old when my
sister, Em, was born. I was so little I can't even remember my
parents bringing her home from the hospital, so there is not a single
memory I have that does not include her in some way. I am so happy
for that.
I was only at college for two months when Em’s accident
happened. When Adam called me at dance I immediately left and went to
the hospital. During that week, I brushed her hair, told her I loved
her, held her hand, played “blinking games” with her, and told her I
loved her some more. When she died, I collapsed into Adam sobbing. My
body was shaking, and aching in pain. It felt like the hurt couldn’t
come out fast enough. I felt like I had to scream, but didn’t have the
energy to get it out. It was the worst feeling I have ever known, and
wish that no one had to feel that pain. I wish I could say that the
last 1 ½ has gotten better, but it hasn’t. The hurt is there all day,
every day. How can you get past it? How can you stop missing your best
friend, your protector? How can you stop aching for that one person who
meant the world to you? I grew up with her. We were side by side every
day. We shared all experiences and knew each other inside and out. How
do I let that go? How do I let that go!? 