EmilyDuits.com - Sister Sarah

Emily Jo Duits
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Sister Sarah with Fall 2008 update

I was not even 2 years old when my sister, Em, was born. I was so little I can't even remember my parents bringing her home from the hospital, so there is not a single memory I have that does not include her in some way. I am so happy for that.

When we were little, I was her second mom, her leader. I can remember one time at Grandma’s when she was crawling around on top of the table. She was probably only 2, but she knew better. Grandma was on the phone and when I came around the corner and saw her on the table I ran right over and told her “Emmie! Get down off of that table! You’re going to fall!“ And I'd take her little chubby hand and help her down. When her shirt became untucked, I made sure I ran over and tucked it in. We took baths together, and talked each other to sleep at night. As we got older she became my playmate. We were always making up dances in the yard, or squirting each other with the hose, or playing beauty shop. School was our favorite; I was the teacher she was my student (I always had to be the one in charge). We were inseparable, and everywhere I went she was there too.

When I got into high school, I was expecting our relationship to change, but it really didn’t. At least not at first. I had friends, but not many, and I definitely wasn’t really in the “cool group”. The cool group consisted of athletes, and I wasn’t one. I was a dancer. So Em remained my #1. We would shop together, look at magazines until 3 in the morning on school nights, and drive the car around the back yard for practiceJ She was my other half. But a year or so into high school I started to change. I was always getting into trouble with boys and my parents and I were always fighting. I was a brat, and started to set bad examples for my sister. That’s about the time that we switched roles. I was no longer her leader, she was mine.

For the next two years of my life, she took care of me. Sometimes if I got home late, she’d cover for me and make sure I didn’t get in trouble, but most of the time she didn’t. When I was about to do something I shouldn’t, she’d always say “You better not. I swear to God I will go tell Mom and Dad. You think I'm kidding? Try me. Walk out that door, and I'm running to tell.” I would get so mad at her, we’d fight all the time about that…her being the “tattletale”. But looking back on those times now, I know that if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here right now. I am who I am today because my sister protected me.

As the next few years went by, I grew up a lot. I made many more friends in school, went to the social events, started to date my current boyfriend, and began to set a good example for Em again. I didn’t want her to have to be my leader anymore, and I wanted to be her big sister again. She was a volleyball stud, and I was her #1 fan. I went to as many tournaments as I could even if I was sick of it. We cried together when she lost, and cheered and hug when she won. We looked for homecoming dresses together, and did each other’s hair. She helped me with my homework (she was always smarter than me) and we danced in dance recitals together. We were back to the way it used to be…everywhere I went, she went there too, and vise versa.

Then I went off to college. This was probably the hardest transition of my life. I knew I’d miss my mom and dad, but not as much as I would miss my Em. When she had to leave my dorm room we hugged and cried. I missed her so much when I was away, I called her every day and we were closer than ever.

I was only at college for two months when Em’s accident happened. When Adam called me at dance I immediately left and went to the hospital. During that week, I brushed her hair, told her I loved her, held her hand, played “blinking games” with her, and told her I loved her some more. When she died, I collapsed into Adam sobbing. My body was shaking, and aching in pain. It felt like the hurt couldn’t come out fast enough. I felt like I had to scream, but didn’t have the energy to get it out. It was the worst feeling I have ever known, and wish that no one had to feel that pain. I wish I could say that the last 1 ½ has gotten better, but it hasn’t. The hurt is there all day, every day. How can you get past it? How can you stop missing your best friend, your protector? How can you stop aching for that one person who meant the world to you? I grew up with her. We were side by side every day. We shared all experiences and knew each other inside and out. How do I let that go? How do I let that go!?

I don’t. I cant. It isn’t possible. God made me with a “sister chip” inside me, that won’t allow me to “let it go”. And honestly, I am glad for that. I would rather cry for her every single minute, rather than go one second without thinking of her. Maybe that isn’t healthy. Maybe it is. All I know is that she is a part of me forever, no matter what. She means everything to me, not just since she’s been gone, but always. Ever since the day she was born I have adored her; everywhere I went, she went too. And that remains the same today. Everywhere I go, she will go there with me too.

Sarah's Update

Sarah's Fall 2008 Update

So much has happened in my life since 2005. I am a senior at Grand Valley this year…next year I will be starting my Student Teaching for Secondary Ed History and English. I am so excited to be done with school...I am sick of exams and 15 page papers and can’t wait to actually get into a classroom of my own. Adam and I have been dating for 5 years now, and we had a little boy this past February! His name is Rydik Jeffrey Wrubel and he makes us both so happy! He is 7 months old already and it has been such a joy to watch him grow. He loves to be read to and he would play in the tub all day long if you let him J. He has brought me and Adam so much happiness and we are both so grateful for him. He is truly a blessing! Adam will be finishing school next year, as his degree is a 5 year one. He was in Trindad for a large chunk of the summer studying Geology/Environmental Science. (You will have to ask him what he did down there…I have asked him several times and I still don’t get it. It’s all over my head). He has been going to the Department of Environmental Quality a lot this semester to meet with people there and look at case files of leaking underground storage tanks. We are hoping he can land a job there when he graduates.

Even after all the good things that have happened, it’s still hard to believe that 3 years have gone by without my sister. Since Em has been gone, my life has went on but the ache of missing her still remains. I feel like my concept of time is completely backwards since she died. Some days it feels like just yesterday that we were riding to school together or going to the mall so she could spend all of her money on chapstick, bookmarks, gum, or other stupid things J. But other times, it feels like the time just drags on, and life wont move quickly enough. Sometimes it feels like the year just wont end.

The struggle between what’s “normal” vs. “not normal” is what I have been having the most trouble with lately. On days when things don’t feel normal, my longing for how life used to be is so intense. It’s like I am living someone else’s life when I have to wake up without my sister, knowing I’m not going to get to talk to her that day. Those days, I have to convince myself that I am not living in a dream and that this is, in fact, reality. Other days, this life right now feels normal to me. Sometimes for a split second I forget that things used to be different, that I used to not feel so empty. Those days are blurry, as it feels like you are walking in a fog where everything is glazed over. But after 3 years of this struggle, I am used to it. Now I understand that what is “normal” is getting used to the abnormal. You do what you have to do to make it through.

I’ve come to understand that different events in life bring different emotions and that one doesn’t have to cancel the other one out. When Rydik was born I felt guilty for being so happy because I felt like I shouldn’t be happy without Em. And by the same token, on days when I start to get really sad from missing Em so bad, I feel guilty because Rydik should make me happy. But I am starting to realize that we are human beings with big hearts, and our hearts can handle more than one emotion at a time.

I still cling to the memories of volleyball games, Hoffmaster, and shopping trips with Em. Those are things that I’ve hung on to these past 3 years, and will continue to hang on to for the next 3 years, and the next 3 years after that. Life without her won’t ever be the same, but, as she always said, it will be okay.